I had always taught full time, so when I left my tenured job and started again from zero at the board, it was it was interesting to get used to being a part time teacher. Last year, I started to get really busy. I couldn’t believe how easily I became a person who could work 24/7. I was loving every single thing I was doing, and I just wanted to do more of it.
Things were really falling into place in my professional life. I got a permanent job teaching part time in York Region, with a Grade 8 Homeroom class for half of the day, and I had time to continue developing Building Outside the Blocks as the umbrella for all of the other work that I was doing and wanted to do including: consulting, project managing, writing, presenting, podcasting, building OEMConnect with Leigh Cassell (now under The Mentoree), doing smaller projects for people and organizations, preparing for my upcoming TEDxKitchenerEd Talk and working on two boards, VoicEd Radio and Learning Forward Ontario. I was beginning to do everything I had dreamed of doing, but that was coming at a cost.
I love my family. People often say that we could be in s sitcom because we are all funny in our own ways, and we are a cohesive bunch. I have three daughters ranging from 9-15, a dog, and a husband who travels a lot for business, but any time we are together is special time. As things were heating up with the school year, I was diving deeper into my work while also trying to get everything else done- the household chores, appointments, and other daily life realities. I didn't even know I was I was missing it.
At first, it was my youngest who started asking and then begging me to leave my phone somewhere else whenever we were spending time together. She and I spend a lot of time together- after school snack time, grocery shopping, homework, math drills, bedtime stories and general talk time. I kept reminding her of that when she was begging me for a different experience. I was quantifying when she was qualifying. I still wasn’t getting it.
This really hit a head going into Winter Break this year. I was asked during a family meeting that felt more like an intervention to promise not to work on anything over the break and just be with the family. My husband took the time off, and we were going to spend most of it at home with family, friends, outings to ski, celebrating the holidays, and even a short road trip. Most people would be liberated by this concentrated time, but it was ridiculously hard for me.
The first week, I would sneak downstairs between 5 and 7 am thinking that no one would miss me if they were sleeping while I worked. I would stay in the washroom longer than needed writing thoughts, emailing, texting, tweeting and even scrolling Facebook or Instagram. I was trying to get things done while also appeasing everyone. I did everything I could over the break to start making it better, and they could see it. I was exhausted from the facade, but it was making a difference to my family.
When the new year came, I was playing with what my #OneWord would be this year. I have always enjoyed the process of marinating on a word as a goal for the year, but I came up with nothing. I couldn’t find anything that felt right. While I was thinking about my #OneWord, my family was worrying. I thought they were just acting were nervous but, unlike most last days before back-to-school, this was about me. That last weekend of the break, my husband sat me down to articulate what I think everyone had been feeling for a while now. They felt I would go back to my routine and stop being present. That was the word I needed. Present. My One Word. But this was less about sharing outward and having everything to do with looking inward.
In my new effort to become more present, I am becoming more mindful of the time I am spending with my children. I have always spent a lot of time with them, but I am becoming more aware of the quality of that time and am trying to feel grounded in that space (it's work in progress). It is really hard for me, as I think for many people, not to be distracted by my thoughts, ideas or anything else that would make me run off to write something down, quickly email or tweet or even do a hasty bit of research to settle my mind. I am learning to leave my phone behind and be less responsive to emails, tweets, text etc because the time with my children is worth more of my time. This is a process that will take time, but it's worth it if it improves the quality of the time I am spending with my family.
My friend, Janelle McLaughlin posted this last week, so I starting writing this post:
I have spent a lot of time trying to combat the challenge of time, but is unquestionably finite. I’m motivated to do the work that I’m doing and love, but it will have to wait sometimes (I am telling my self this as much as I am telling you). I am acutely aware that I have a short time with all three of my girls at home together, and family time is both sacred and key to our home culture. I need to be more mindful of how I am using the time I have.
I am working on a few things to help me develop my skills at being and remaining present. One really difficult loss has been giving up blogging about my weekly podcast guests. That was a really hard decision for me because I loved writing about each guest on The Personal Playlist Podcast, quoting them, and weaving together the story of their P3. It was, however, the one thing I could take off my plate, and it felt okay after the milestone of my 100th podcast. It was weird this week not posting something on my 101st guest, but he seemed okay with it, and I am trying to learn to let go.
I am also working on developing a mindfulness practice. It’s very hard for me to stop in the beginning, middle or end of my day and just be, which is why I think it’s something I really need to work on. Maybe if I spend some more time just being really, wholeheartedly present, I could figure out why this is such a challenge for me. I know my family deserves it, and I think that I may even benefit from it, too. Thank you for reading this confession/goal setting post. Presence is a gift worth giving and those on the receiving end deserve nothing less.
